It's interesting observing people's reactions when they find out that not only do I travel without my husband at least some of the time, I actively encourage it.
In an age when female solo travel has finally become “a thing,” you'd think that the idea of a woman traveling alone wouldn't be overly surprising. Yet, as cool as women traveling on their own terms has become, I've discovered it comes with a huge societal caveat.
You need to be unmarried to be considered a solo female traveler.
According to current trends, being unmarried and traveling alone means you are a badass solo traveler. You don't believe in waiting for the right time or when others are ready to travel with you. The world is your oyster and despite any fears you may have about traveling alone, you are inspiring because you go out there and do it anyway.
Add a ring into the equation, and people's views do an instant flip. Suddenly your travels have zero cachet and people go from ‘you go, girl' to straight-up recoil at what a sad state of affairs your marriage must be in.
The things people say to married women who travel solo
Common responses to conversations about a trip I'm taking alone include:
“Is your marriage in trouble?” (worried expression)
“But you're married!” (look of complete disbelief)
And my personal favorite, “Your husband allows you to travel by yourself?” (what is wrong with you and your relationship that your husband is OK with this?!)
Solo travel doesn't mean singles' travel
Many people have the misunderstanding that solo travel equates to singles' travel. This is simply untrue.
A solo traveler means anyone who is traveling alone. It is not related to marital status (or age or anything else). It's just that younger women who happen to be unmarried tend to dominate the media when it comes to the solo female traveler movement, and hence why many people seem to equate the two.
Don't think I throw away my wedding band while I'm away or that my marriage is in some kind of trouble just because I'm taking a trip without my husband. I'm married and I travel solo. I'm not a married person who wishes to be single on their holidays.
At the same time, I'm no less of a solo female traveler or different just because I happen to be married. Now that solo women's travel has become a popular trend, many want to put other women down by saying it's not real solo female travel if you travel alone when married. It's amazing how many people think I'm “safer” or “don't have to worry about the same things” when I travel alone, simply because I wear a ring.
When I am alone in a place, I am facing the world just like any other woman traveling by herself.
Yes, you can be happily married and travel by yourself too
It's strange that many people can't compute that you can both be happily married with shared passions and also have your own individual interests you pursue separately.
A few years ago, I decided to work on a ship that was circumnavigating the globe for three months. Everyone assumed that I must be unmarried, because, in their eyes, I couldn't possibly be doing this otherwise.
When other passengers discovered that I was married, they would often have one of the responses I listed above. One night at dinner, I said to one of my colleagues, “I don't know why people think that once you get married you can no longer have a life of your own too, with your own goals and dreams that you pursue alongside your common ones.”
His response was fast and matter-of-fact, “Because that is what marriage means to most people.”
Although he was actually expressing support and saying that people don't understand because of their own world views, it was a statement that has lingered with me ever since. I can still hear those words coming from his mouth and feel the great sense of sadness every time I remember them. Because he was absolutely right.
We're conditioned to believe that being married is a time distinct from the rest of our lives
In society, we're trained to believe that marriage is a life-altering event. We're told that marriage is about two people becoming one, who are to think and behave as one unit for the rest of their days. In many ways, we're taught that our wedding day is an occasion when we must let go of our former selves, and step into a time of “permission getting” and “brownie points.”
You'd better get all your wild nights and backpacking days out of your system before you say, ‘I do,' because after that it's mortgages and bills and kids, and the occasional guys' or girls' night when your spouse “let's you out of the house.” Anyone who does otherwise is considered to be thwarting their spousal or parental duties.
Often people talk about marriage as being some kind of freedom-sucking punishment and that giving up control over your own life is all part and parcel of it. Some may see that kind of talk as just light-hearted humor, but the reality is an alarming amount of people give up huge parts of themselves in relationships, and the sad part is that many don't even realize it or they just succumb to it because they are told that is the normal state of any partnership.
I couldn't disagree more.
Marriage shouldn't take away your dreams; it should add to them, and give you the gift of someone who is your biggest supporter.
Why you should travel solo when married
I'm a strong believer in being able to be yourself within your marriage. Having your own hopes, dreams and interests is important and the fact that 100% of them don't overlap is normal and, I say, extremely healthy.
I love to travel with my husband, but I also like traveling on my own too because of the completely different experience it gives me.
I've always loved to travel. I traveled alone before I was dating my husband and he doesn't expect me to change that part of myself simply because we decided to sign a piece of paper.
In my experience, here are the advantages of traveling without your spouse.
I can do the things my husband doesn't like (as much as me)
There are lots of things my husband and I both really like (hiking, for example), and then there are also things that one of us has introduced to the other and have become mutual passions (like photography).
I think the latter is one of the greatest parts of growing and learning together – you discover things that you didn't even know you were interested in!
But there are also things that are more of our own unique interests and it seems really silly to either give those things up or force the other to endure something they don't enjoy doing just because we are married.
It's about enjoying lots of things together (why are you married otherwise?), being open to giving new things a try, and then also knowing when it might just be better to do something separately.
Experience immersion
My husband never stops me from doing what I want whether we are at home in Japan or on the road. But there is an inherent amount of coordination that needs to take place whenever you travel with others, and that can sometimes interfere with your experience of a place.
For example, simply keeping track of each other physically, especially in crowded markets or train stations, can be difficult. We spend a lot of our time just trying to ‘keep an eye out for one another' while trying to navigate a new place, rather than fulling immersing ourselves in it.
One of us may want to stop to take a photo or have a conversation with a shop owner, but even a few paces apart may prevent us from hearing each other in a busy street. At which point, we may need to miss the opportunity and continue on, stay for a few moments and hope we don't lose the other in the crowd or run up to get the other's attention to ask them to stop (at which point, that moment you wanted to capture may very well be lost).
Traveling with others has lots of positives too, but sometimes it's really nice to go out and create an adventure of your own making, in which you don't have to worry about whether you are holding someone else up, or boring them with things they aren't into but are important to you.
I often get treated differently when I'm alone
My experiences traveling with my husband versus when I travel by myself are often vastly different.
People are generally more inclined to interact with me when I'm traveling alone and being married to and traveling with a man means that I may not be able to connect with other women in the same way.
When I travel alone, I am far more likely to be invited into the female domain of the place I am visiting. In some countries and cultures, there are places that only women go, or where women go to only be among other women, and I won't be invited there if I'm in the company of a man.
Some of the best interactions I've had with women on my travels – in homes, in shops, in kitchens, in beauty parlors and baths – have been because I've been there on my own, we've felt a shared connection through gender and they haven't felt that they were “keeping me from my husband” waiting outside.
Solo travel makes me a more confident person
I love the adventures I have with my husband, but I think it is equally important to remind myself about what I can achieve on my own too.
When I travel by myself, I am responsible for every part of the process and I have to do things that I may not like or feel that I'm very good at, and take responsibility for and deal with whatever the outcome may be.
I used to be terrible at making decisions, even simple ones like what to choose from a menu, and solo travel forced me to get over that and run with a decision, because there isn't anyone else there to make it for me.
I've learned to face my fears, trust my gut, acknowledge my mistakes and grow when things don't work out. Doing things on my own makes me confident and self-reflective in a really profound way.
We have so much to talk about
Whenever we spend any amount of time apart, whether it's a few hours, days, weeks or months, we always have so much we can't wait to share with one another.
At the end of the day, we are genuinely excited to hear about each others' daily adventures and we spend hours poring over photos and sharing travel stories, asking questions, and laughing.
Many people assume that because we travel apart some of the time that our relationship isn't very close. In reality, that couldn't be further from the truth. Traveling alone gives us the chance to miss each other and makes us appreciate one another more. On top of that, the more we grow as individuals, the more we can contribute to our team, which just makes us stronger and stronger.
I love that we never run out of things to talk about and that each others' happiness and success is a shared goal.
It's not weird to travel without your spouse
When I speak with others about my solo travels, I get the impression that many people think our relationship is an anomaly. But married couples taking separate vacations is not as uncommon as you may think. Here are some other female travelers who travel without their spouses.
Traveling Solo…When You're Married – Why Wait to See the World?
No, I Do Not Need my Husband's Permission to Travel Alone – To Europe and Beyond
I'm Married and I Travel Solo. And that's OK – Runaway Juno
What do you think about solo travel when married? Have you ever traveled solo while in a committed relationship? Would you? Let me know in the comments!
If this were Twitter, I’d be posting a gif with the words “Preach!”
So much of this post resonated strongly with me. I enjoy traveling alone even now, especially when I’m going somewhere my husband isn’t interested in visiting — it just makes us both unhappy!
I couldn’t agree more with this quote: “Marriage shouldn’t take away your dreams; it should add to them, and give you the gift of someone who is your biggest supporter.”
It’s so true.
I’ll be traveling around my homeland of Sweden alone this summer because I feel I’ve lost touch with it. If I was traveling with my husband I’d have to play tour guide 24/7 while still feeling like a tourist in my own country, which makes me feel uncomfortable. It’ll give me a chance to reconnect without narrating everything going on around us if that makes sense. ^^
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Lisa, and for being my first commenter on this new venture of mine! And I can totally see that gif in my head! Haha
There are just some journeys that we need to take alone, I think. I can understand what you mean about having to “narrate.”
There are times when showing someone a place is fun, and seeing someone’s reaction to a new environment can almost remind you of what it was like in the beginning for you too (I sometimes feel that when I’m showing friends around Tokyo/Japan – It can almost take you back to the “rose-colored glasses days,” so to speak).
But I think that can be quite different for places where we grew up or spent a lot of time as a child because that was just our “normal” and having to explain everything kind of takes away from that nostalgia. Unfortunately most other people are not going to get why a certain place or shop or food or story is so important to you because they don’t have the same emotional attachment to it as you. They’re not going to laugh at a story in the same way as those who were there at the time and lived it. And that can almost make you feel a sort of anger or frustration that they just “don’t get it.”
Traveling solo in these instances gives you the freedom to reconnect in a way that feels right to you. 🙂
Traveled to Cuba solo because my husband didn’t want to go there.
Many people find themselves in that situation, Marja. So glad that you went anyway!
Oddly enough, since I know you and Hai, I’ve never really pictured you two having separate travels. Silly, really, since Raul and I do it too; even though I might be the one who initiated the process, it seems that he too has found a rythm in this. When I’m away, he does stuff he wouldn’t normally do when I’m around (not that any of us needs to “allow” the other one to do them, anyway).
You’ve stroke a chord here, Jess. It is such an amazing endeavour you’re getting into. And I strongly believe that you’ll be touching very important subjects. It appears to me very healthy to be traveling solo when married.
As you say, it makes for a better couple because we keep growing our own way and at the same time we learn to share those experiences with our significant other.
Just like Lisa, I’m particularly moved when you say “Marriage shouldn’t take away your dreams; it should add to them, and give you the gift of someone who is your biggest supporter.”
I’m happy to have once more found resonance in your words, since I too have felt some judgement over the years at my going away often on my own.
I’ll be following you here too, obviously. And hope our solo and/or married travels will soon bring us in the same place to share those experiences together for real.
Happy solo traveling!
Jul’
Thank you, Jul’! This comment means the world to me. I knew that there were other married women (and men, too) who love solo travel, or have found their own combination of solo and combined travels that work for them, and who face judgment (or at least uninvited questioning) because of it.
We should really be celebrating a love of travel, living our lives to the fullest and in a way that is meaningful to us and brings us happiness, rather than trying to bring other people down simply because conventional society says this isn’t the “usual” path. We may have progressed a lot in our societal values, but these attitudes show we still have a long way to go.
I too am waiting for the day we can meet in person! I so value your support and friendship since what was essentially the beginning of my blogging endeavors all those years ago.
Happy solo/couple travels!
Hi this is so aptly and point blank put. Have started solo traveling myself and it is such a breather …. Traveling with husband and our son is fun in its own way but as said by some one ” traveling with a child is not a vacation; but just a change of location”.
Solo traveling enhances your life in so many different levels and areas which will take oneself for a surprise ….
And all those eyes prying at us and those silly comments are just …. I think ….. Jealousy …. From someone who would die to be doing what we started in our life but are just unable to break the societal chains ….
Loved your writing ….. Cheers ☺️
Thank you so much for your comment, Bhairavj!
Solo travel really does enhance your life in so many areas, and also in ways that go well beyond the trips themselves. The skills and confidence you build in solo travel help you in all areas of your life, even when you “go back home” and also in your existing relationships.
You’re right about the unfortunate reason why many feel the need to say terrible things to those who travel solo when married. I always tell people that if someone is doing something you’d like to do, then rather than trying to drag them down, learn from them and implement the changes that work for you. 🙂
Really loved reading your thoughts, enjoyed your post. I’m married for 20 years; in the beginning of our marriage I used to travel solo all the time. Have made it a New Years resolution to get back to this. Not because I don’t like traveling with my husband (he’s still my favorite person) but to get more of my independence back and experience a new place in my own way without worrying about someone else.
Hi Kim,
Thank you – so glad you enjoyed the post.
Absolutely love that you are reconnecting with your solo travels! How is your New Year’s resolution going? Have you traveled to any new places this year?
I go to Florida by myself sometimes for a week one year for a month and plan to do it again
Several reasons. I have always wanted a second home there. He does not so I go alone or sometimes with a friend
I am a more relaxed person there
I feel life is short and want to enjoy it more
I need space to determine if I want to stay married
Hi Sophia,
It’s so important to seize opportunities to travel when we can and pursue our passions. Hope you’ve been able to get to Florida again this year!
Amen! I love taking solo time to myself, and realized how much I’d missed it recently when I took an overnight trip on my own, catching up with some old friends, doing some self-care, and just wandering the city solo like I used to before I was married. I was never the type who jumped from relationship to relationship because I couldn’t be alone, and loved living by myself and traveling solo before I was married. An old friend told me how once a year she leaves town for a few days for some solo time and how much it helps her, and as for me, now that I’m back into taking solo getaways, I can definitely say that once a year is not nearly enough ! Being so independent, doing this not only respects the fact that we have two identities but also is great for those times when you get so wrapped up in ‘us’ stuff that you forget about the self-care that comes with focusing on yourself (btw one of the reasons I love my husband is that when we planned our wedding, he didn’t want anyone to ‘give me away’ because, in his words, “you’re not chattel!”). Plus I love an occasional night where I get the whole bed to myself, watch TV in a hotel room, not have to talk to anyone while I eat/drink if I don’t want to, etc. Woo hoo!
Love this Aimee! I absolutely agree that successful relationships need both ‘us’ time and ‘me’ time. It sounds like you are in a great relationship that respects the two of you as individuals as well as a team. Now that you’ve realized that you miss solo travel, it’s just a matter of ramping up that travel/alone time a bit more so you can reconnect with that part of yourself. Hope you’re enjoying your solo trips!
Thank you for this article. I am just now starting to travel on my own, and this article helped me be ok with it. (I had self doubts because of societal expectations of a married women). My husband and I are completely different in many ways, and sometimes it’s hard to travel as freely….or sometimes as rigidly…as I like to do so… together. We have a solid relationship, and this is helping our marriage remain strong and helping each other develop our strengths and explore our own passions.
So glad that this article helped you, S. Societal expectations can be so hard to overcome. Very happy to hear that you and your husband have recognized your differing characteristics and are using them to help each other explore and develop your own individuals strengths and passions, which in turn is helping to keep you close and united as a couple.
All the best with your solo travels and hope that you’ll find more support and ideas around here for future adventures!
Dear Jessica,
I’m Cat from Manila. I came across your article, started to read it and got teary eyed especially when you said “marriage should not take away your dreams”. My husband and I have a really solid relationship and we are both Christians. However, My hubby is somewhat I homebody and I am the opposite. This year I am really planning to travel to Japan alone. I am actually an online English teacher for Japanese professionals and I came to love the culture and people since working in this company. I also intend to meet my cousin who lives in Nagano. To be honest, I am also quite scared of what people will think if they learn that I will travel alone. I am torn between pursuing my dream to see Japan or foregoing. Also, there are many myths here in the Philippines that getting a Visa at the embassy as a woman solo traveler is harder compared to getting it with your spouse. That makes me more discouraged. I hope you can somehow enlighten me. Thanks!
Hi Cat,
Thank you for sharing your story and I feel and understand your worries. You’ll probably anticipate my response based on this article, but you should absolutely go and pursue your dream of visiting Japan.
You are right, people will no doubt talk. People close to you and even strangers will likely have something to say about it. I’ve received the same responses my whole life and I know it’s not always easy to truly feel OK with people saying negative things about you. But at the end of the day you have to think about how you want to live your life, and the experiences that you want to have while you have the chance. It feels like other people’s opinions are important, but they are not the ones who have to live with the decision (and any associated regret you may have down the line). Trust your gut and don’t let fear dictate your decision. Taking that first step is often the most difficult and once you are away/begin living in a more intentional way, you start to find your “tribe” – other people who truly understand you and have made similar decisions themselves.
As for visas, I know that a Filipino passport can make for a difficult visa process sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a visa or that you’ll necessarily have a harder time because you plan to go alone. Look into the paperwork you need and learn about the process first-hand and from trusted sources, rather than myths and hearsay that often spread falsehoods and fearmonger.
I hope that this response helps you in some way, and that you are able to find a way to travel solo while happily married. I hope if nothing else that this post shows you it doesn’t have to be either/or and that your individual goals and dreams also matter.
Wishing you all the very best!