This might be the reason you’re unhappy in your relationships

One of the most usual causes of unhappiness I witness stems from two common misunderstandings:

The expectation that everything will be the same forever.
Or
That something will be a certain way at a certain time.

There is no more surefire way to feel unhappy, unsatisfied, disappointed, angry, down or letdown, than to make these assumptions.

Change is inevitable and often necessary, yet we still seem to be surprised by it, and it causes rifts in relationships with others and ourselves.

“He/she is not the same person I married.” (got into a relationship with)
“They've changed.”
“I've changed.”
“I/you should be X by now.” (be married, have kids, have that job, promotion, skill or standing in society)
“This is not what I imagined.”

The expectation that people, relationships and circumstances don't or shouldn't change, and that what we want for ourselves and others should remain this constant, not only causes discontentment, but this dangerous projection mentality that makes it so very hard to accept when this inevitable change eventuates.

We may instantly reject it because “that's not how we imagined things to be.” That doesn't mean it's always easy to accept change. Things will happen in our lives that seemingly come out of left field, that shock us or throw us for a loop. It's impossible to predict where life will take us, and that's part of the wonderful mystery of it, but it's also perfectly human to be thrown for that loop. To not know how to act or react in an instant. To feel all the emotions. It's OK for things to be hard.

We can't, nor I think should we, expect that we can instantly adapt to every situation that life throws our way. We can, however, learn to become less hellbent on hanging onto concepts of predictive reality, that either rely on no change or expect change to happen in a certain way.

Why can't things just be the same forever?!

Firstly let me start by talking about relying on the notion that things should remain the same.

This is when we might say that someone has changed, and we usually mean this in the negative sense.

“He's not the same guy I married,” is an example.

We all change throughout the course of our lives. It's unrealistic to assume that the person you married will remain the same iteration of themselves forever. Just as you will grow and evolve, and become a new iteration of yourself.

The problem with this is not necessarily the change itself; it's the complete lack of communication about where we are at in our lives and not finding a way to harmonize the idea of common goals and individual interests.

Simply put, people change their lifestyles, behaviours and outlooks, and create new dreams and develop new passions, all without having had any meaningful discussion with their partner about it.

Most of the time the discord that can result stems from the other person not knowing or understanding why a change has occurred (it is seemingly out of the blue for them or outside of what they have become used to) or because they feel that a future is being planned without their input or consideration.

So many people enter marriage (or a de facto or de facto-esque relationship) with an oddly oppressive outlook that doesn't address what a partnership is supposed to be – that being two people who have decided to support each other in this thing called life.

Suddenly there's a timeline of how, when and where things should happen because these are the expectations that society has pressured us into believing. Or we believe that long-term, committed relationships mean that individual hopes, dreams and desires no longer have a part to play. Or sometimes one person's ideas become a “joint plan” without the other feeling like it reflects their wishes too.

We all change throughout the course of our lives. It's unrealistic to assume that the person you married will remain the same iteration of themselves forever. Just as you will grow and evolve, and become a new iteration of yourself.

Imaginary deadlines

This brings us to the second and related concept of thinking that something is supposed to be a certain way at a certain time, and creating this associated imaginary deadline in our minds. How many people have had these falsehoods drilled into them? “You've got to be married by 30!” “Kids by 35!”

When you think about it in these terms, it's no wonder that when things “don't go to plan” or an inevitable change occurs, that it causes a lot of relationships to spin out, to become unhappy on one or both sides, and for some to end. This is because the relationship was often founded on an impossible pretense – that this is how our lives are going to be and this is what we are both going to want forever.

Missing from this equation is the necessary accompaniment to change: communication. And I'm not referring to a superficial level of communication here. The action of talking in and of itself is not communication. This kind of communication has to stem from a place of great respect for your partner. It's not about convincing them to do things your way. It's about explaining your thoughts and feelings, your thought processes, why something is important to you. It's also about listening, reflecting and making offers.

In other words, we stop hanging onto rigid beliefs or old iterations of ourselves, and look to the here and now, and to the future. You might describe it as a “check-in” or getting “on the same page”. And by “same page” I don't necessarily mean that you agree to a set plan. It's an opportunity to discuss both individual goals as well as how these weave or don't weave into a shared story.

As I've talked about on this blog before, there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing some things on your own or having your own set of life goals, and also having the things you love to do together and mutual goals. The key to a successful partnership in my experience is not having only individual interests and not only shared ones.

In the former, this can lead to a very distant relationship (or perhaps a complete breakdown of one) and would also make me question why the relationship exists if there is no shared narrative. In the latter, some people reach a point where they feel like their own happiness and life dreams are overlooked (cue the so-called ‘mid-life crisis').

When there is a massive swing in either direction, it often leads to resentment. Only the people in each relationship can decide where the happy medium lies for them and when. That's why communicating, and I mean really communicating, is so vital to a healthy relationship. Because if you don't explore your hopes and expectations, it's almost guaranteed you're going to be disappointed when your partner doesn't understand them or work with you on them, and vice versa.

So, how do you begin having this conversation?

Ideas for successful communication with your partner

It's simple to say, sit down and talk about your feelings. If you're in a relationship or at a point in a relationship where you can take this advice and run with it and find it has successful outcomes, then you can go straight for this route.

But I've found that a lot of people are seeking more guidance on how to have these kinds of conversations without feeling like they are coercing or being coerced, and how to really delve into a meaningful conversation in which everyone can open up.

Here are some ideas to get you started.

1). Don't say “we need to talk”

It sounds vague and ominous. For a lot of people, sitting down in a “we need to talk” scenario causes more anxiety and you may end up shutting down a conversation before it's even begun.

Instead make the topic clear. “Before dinner/after work/when you have a moment, can we discuss X?” That way, they aren't creating imaginary scenarios about what this “talk” is going to be about, and have the discussion start off with worry or angst.

And make it specific. Saying something like, “Can we discuss our future plans?” may establish a topic, but I'd argue it's still too wide (and potentially an anxiety-inducing way to start a conversation). That doesn't mean you need to avoid “deeper” topics, you just might want to be clearer about what you ask to get the conversation started.

2). Start with smaller or lighter topics

Just like with (solo) travel, communication is a skill, so it makes sense that it will take time to develop an effective communication style with your partner.

Start with smaller or lighter topics, and not have it be a laundry list of all the things you think need to “change”. They may feel attacked or defensive and it's probably not going to make either of you feel any good.

3). Ask questions that are easy(ier) to answer

This might sound like a strange thing to say, but think about how hard it is to respond to something like, “Tell me how you feel”.

Yet often people go into these conversations with massive and unclear questions from the outset and wonder why the conversation doesn't reach the “deep and meaningful” stage they were hoping for.

4). Make sure it's a conversation rather than a confrontation

Do this by focusing on the exchange of ideas (the “journey” of the conversation), rather than on a pre-conceived outcome.

You'll already be cutting off communication if you're going into it with your eyes and ears closed. Remember, you're not trying to win a debate here.

5). Skip the labels if they don't work for you

If the idea of a “talk” or “expressing feelings” sounds stressful to you or your partner, then simply ‘check-in' with them on a regular basis. There is no need to label anything if you don't want to or unless that is helpful to you.

And it doesn't have to be a super serious conversation or a set “sit down”. You can use this as a casual opportunity to simply communicate things you have been thinking about, to give your partner a heads up, or get their opinion on something.

6). Create your own “communication ritual”

Other couples find that having a set time to check in with one another works really well for them. For example, you may develop a weekly ritual, such as going for a coffee or walk, or spending an evening in (or out), during which time you chat, connect, ask questions and follow-up on previous conversations.

By checking-in on how your partner is going and asking genuine and meaningful questions, it shows that you care what is going on with them, and your commitment to the partnership.

Communicate because you want to, not because you have to

And this is the key behind it all, I think. You can do all the things above, but if the idea of communicating with your partner is nothing but a chore and doesn't get any easier with regular attempts at more open communication, then there are bigger issues at play here.

When communication is really happening in a positive way, the idea of the ‘check-in' is super useful even if you believe you know the response. I tell my husband about things I want to do, not because I think he will object, but because I want to tell him and I value what he has to say.

My husband and I often talk about things we have been thinking about and get each others' feedback on it, even small things.

For example, “I've been considering buying/doing X. What do you think?” If it's not something the other knows much about, we'll explain what it is and why we think it might be a good idea. We might look at photos or videos together online too.

The reason why these seemingly small conversations are a positive part of our communication toolkit is that both our opinions' are shown value. It's not about convincing each other one way or the other, or “permission-getting”.

Ultimately, if I really want to do something or my husband does, neither of us are going to stand in each others' way. But that doesn't mean we disregard the other person's opinion. We have the conversation not only out of respect for each other, but to really listen to what the other person has to say.

In fact, by talking a purchase, decision or situation through, often we come up with even better ideas or options. And when we know that one of us has something in mind, then we can help support each other to get the best result.

That doesn't mean we don't ever make any decision without running it by the other first. It's impossible to be ‘checking-in' at every moment of every day, and as adults and individuals we shouldn't have to.

But what we have established is clear trust. That we are loved and respected by the other, and that we believe in each others' decision-making abilities. I believe my husband will make the best decision possible with the information available to him, and I believe that if the situation requires more thought or discussion, that he will include me in that.

Key take-aways

Ultimately, communicating with your partner should be a positive exercise – one that provides support and relief, or elicits excitement and happiness. Whether you simply share recent experiences or seek advice, or concoct plans for a project you're working on or holiday you'd like to take together (or separately).

Really there are no set rules and each couple needs to find what works for the dynamic in their relationship. Simply remember that change is part of life and any relationship, and that imaginary deadlines do very little to serve yourself or your partner. Come up with your own plans, and adjust, learn and re-imagine along the way.

And if you're in a relationship, make sure to keep your partner clued in to where you're at. Because when that inevitable change occurs, it feels a hell of a lot better to know that you're riding the wave to your next iteration of yourselves and your partnership in tandem rather than quietly paddling in opposite directions.

What do you think causes unhappiness in relationships (with ourselves and others)? What tips would you add to the list?

Images via Unsplash

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